KK

"What's Up With the Female Libido?"

Jul 1, 2014

LT
Stage· 157 messages
Jul 1, 2014

There's a widespread misnomer (oh, hi, Big Pharma!) that women can suffer from "hyposexual desire" -- aka, a sub-par libido. Now, we all fluctuate, but pathologizing relationship issues further blames women for all the sex men aren't having….or something like that.nDr. Leah Torres is back with me to dispel some myths. She's a sexual health educator and honest to goodness doctor who's spectacular at communicating to us lay folks. Bring your questions & see ya then!

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:00 PM

Hi, everyone! Thanks for coming to "What's Up With the Female Libido?" (new ProTip: there’s a mobile app: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/tawkers/id791417999?mt=8 )
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:00 PM

★ Spotlighted from sari sorrell

“Heyyyyy”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:00 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Hello all :-)”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:00 PM

★ Spotlighted from Steve TonThat

“Watz up”

LT

Leah Torres · 6:00 PM

Greetings all! Great to be here!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:00 PM

Real quick, if you’re new to Tawkers, Dr. Torres and I will be chatting on the left. And if you’re signed in (it only takes two minutes to set up a profile!), you can add comments/questions on the right. Interrupt any time with questions!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:00 PM

Also, definitely use the “arrow” icons to share comments on social media & ask people you know will dig the discussion to join in.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:01 PM

Before we start, my tawks are a safe space. Ask questions, share — but no abusive language will be tolerated. If you need to mute someone, click the “ … “ under the thumbs in their comment or click on their profile.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:01 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“Just a quick thing I discovered last time: I don't think there's a way you can mute people on the mobile app - something to keep in mind! Also hi!”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:01 PM

Thanks, Christine! I'll mention it to the developers. They're super responsive.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:01 PM

With the disclaimers out of the way, let’s start "What's Up With the Female Libido?" — so excited to hear about this project! Thanks for joining me again, Leah!
LT

Leah Torres · 6:02 PM

Gladly!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:02 PM

Haha -- let's hear it for cut and paste. Let me try that again: "With the disclaimers out of the way, let’s start "What's Up With the Female Libido?" Thanks for joining me again, Leah!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:02 PM

Dr. Torres is a physician and reproductive/sexual health expert and educator, so definitely ask questions while we’ve got her!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:03 PM

To get us started, Leah, tell me a bit about why this subject is important to you and why you wanted to chat about it.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:03 PM

First, please allow me to say that female sexuality (like all) is complicated and it's not well-researched
LT

Leah Torres · 6:04 PM

There are a lot of myths, old beliefs, etc that need debunking. We'll get there.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:04 PM

Try and contain your shock, everyone. Women's sexual lives are super under attended to. -__-
LT

Leah Torres · 6:04 PM

In the meantime, if you've not read "Our Bodies Our Selves" it's a must read!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:05 PM

Awesome! <<puts on wish list>>
LT

Leah Torres · 6:06 PM

When someone comes to me with "I have low libido" I first want to know if it's really bothersome
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:06 PM

Right! Do YOU feel like your libido is low, or is someone asking more from you than you're into.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:07 PM

There are a lot of social messages out there that create inappropriate expectations
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:07 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Always seems to be bothersome to their partner than themselves. ”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:07 PM

To people of all genders!
LT

Leah Torres · 6:07 PM

Not everyone wants sex every hour of every day
LT

Leah Torres · 6:08 PM

So the first step is to figure out expectations of my pt and partner, as applicable.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:08 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“If we did. We would be tired all the time and nothing would get done”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:08 PM

Ha, true, Lucy!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:09 PM

A little personal advice from me: find a physician you can have this discussion with if you don't have one. Sex is important and a health issue.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:09 PM

If your doc doesn't at least address and explore these concerns, please find a diff doc who's sex positive
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:09 PM

haha -- great minds and such
LT

Leah Torres · 6:09 PM

Wow, Katie, nice!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:10 PM

I have smart friends and I listen when they talk. ;)
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:10 PM

I think people look at sex as a personal need and not a personal/interpersonal and relationship need.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:10 PM

Sometimes medications, life stresses, changes can all affect libido, but usually temporarily
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:11 PM

We've all certainly been in relationships where we didn't discuss expectations with our partners. Having a sex positive physician can help with that.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:11 PM

Totally -- I know I have more than on "gear!"
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:11 PM

Do you find patients want medication solutions?
LT

Leah Torres · 6:12 PM

Not really, but many come from a place of "what's wrong with me?" which is concerning
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:13 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“We all go thru ups and downs. Talking to your partner would help too. Letting them know how you feel.”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:13 PM

Interesting.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:13 PM

Lots of self blame -- mostly from women?
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:13 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“Is asexuality an appropriate facet of this topic? Obviously if someone believes they have low libido and they want to change it, then that probably won't enter the conversation. (cont.)”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:13 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Maybe it's the stigma of being told that you should have sex at least so-and-so times a week. It's different for everyone ”

LT

Leah Torres · 6:13 PM

Talking to your partner is key. I've helped pts that way by just giving them an example of how to start the discussion (thank you, Dan Savage)
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:14 PM

Totally Lucy! And some women want more sex than their male partners -- which has a separate stigma.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:14 PM

Yes, thank you thank you Dan.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:14 PM

Asexuality is a bit if an enigma to me, but sexuality is a spectrum and must be considered.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:15 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“But how many doctors are well-versed enough in asexuality to recognize that when someone says they are asexual, that it's not something to be "fixed"?”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:15 PM

I think that's a response I would appreciate as a patient.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:15 PM

Not every doctor is going to know everything, obvi. But being willing to listen and believe you and then possibly do some research is a reasonable expectation.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:15 PM

Not enough, Christine. That also speaks to how many never ask about sexual satisfaction either.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:15 PM

Word.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:16 PM

As human beings, sex is part of our behavior. It is important.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:17 PM

Any concerns regarding sexual function should be addressed, just like anything else in the realm of being human.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:17 PM

Is the lack of discussion at the doctor an extension of our "purity culture" and Puritanical roots, or a separate issue we need to address in the medical community?
LT

Leah Torres · 6:18 PM

I would say a separate issue. Docs need to be better about screening, IMO
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:20 PM

(To jump back to Christina's Q for a sec -- the documentary "Asexual" was really a good intro to the topic for me.)
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:20 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“I think with discussions about abortion and the like, I think talking about sex is getting easier ”

LT

Leah Torres · 6:21 PM

Be weary of someone who says "that's normal" without having asked any questions
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:21 PM

I hope so, Lucy. I think our difficulty bringing them up to our doctors is related.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:21 PM

WORD. "Normal" has to be the most awful word.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:21 PM

Unless it's a test result.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:21 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“(I liked that documentary, too, though some people in the film who truly didn't believe in asexuality were big names, which was so disheartening.)”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:21 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“True. Gotta start somewhere :-)”

LT

Leah Torres · 6:21 PM

Exploratory questions should follow, though many times stressors can be identified and reassurance provided
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:22 PM

Do you find most "libido" issues are temporary and stress related?
LT

Leah Torres · 6:22 PM

A follow up plan should be in place as necessary
LT

Leah Torres · 6:22 PM

Yes, indeed
LT

Leah Torres · 6:22 PM

Something no one wants to talk about: partner incompatibility
LT

Leah Torres · 6:23 PM

It's a thing. Having open relationships is taboo still and to propose such a thing may be considered insulting... So while I have to think about incompatibility as a possibility, it's not acceptable for me to talk about it
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:24 PM

Dan Savage and Tristin Taormino's podcasts have helped me get how real that is.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:26 PM

Precisely!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:26 PM

I only have one long term relationship as a an adult, so I struggled a lot with what "normal" was.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:27 PM

What could I ask for, was it ok that I needed things, was I giving him what he needed. We don't really do comprehensive sex ed in this country, so I never got the initial communication tools for those discussions.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:27 PM

From talking about sex publicly, I get the impression I'm certainly not alone in starting my adult life with an empty toolbox.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:29 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Most of what I learnt about sex and boyfriends I learnt from friends.”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:31 PM

Uh oh....I think we lost Leah. Checking on tech difficulties...
LT

Leah Torres · 6:31 PM

Hello!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:31 PM

There she is!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:31 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Busy Doc”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:32 PM

Yes, totally. What with the healing and such....
LT

Leah Torres · 6:32 PM

I'm working on opening more dialogue re healthy relationships and how to open up sexual dialogue as well
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:32 PM

Can you give some pointers for approaching the conversation with a partner?
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:33 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“Personally, my biggest issue with sex ed (even in California) was that you'd learn about the sexual organs, STIs, safety, options for pregnancy...but not anything about sex itself, including how to have it (or masturbation).”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:33 PM

Ditto
LT

Leah Torres · 6:33 PM

How to talk to partners about sex/sexual desires/likes/dislikes should be integrated into sex ed
LT

Leah Torres · 6:34 PM

Pointers: "I really like it when___...what if we tried____?"nnOpen with stuff that's good, then explore possibilities.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:34 PM

"I like this, what do you think?"
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:34 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“Also that it's equally "normal" to not want to have sex. Because the "default" is always, always that everyone must have sex.”

LT

Leah Torres · 6:34 PM

"Does that sound interesting to you?"
LT

Leah Torres · 6:34 PM

Exactly, Christine
LT

Leah Torres · 6:36 PM

It can be difficult, but with someone you trust should be quite doable
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:36 PM

It's also not normal to want sex outside of a relationship.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:36 PM

We have a lot of stigma round here. I get asked how many sexual partners I have had and do currently have at EVERY SINGLE doctor's appointment.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:36 PM

Well, it's not a social norm, Katie ?
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:36 PM

I've made it an apology to refuse to answer to see how sex negative new doctors are.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:36 PM

**not apology -- policy
LT

Leah Torres · 6:37 PM

The "risky" sexual behavior assessment needs a compete makeover
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:37 PM

Thank you.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:37 PM

Complete
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:37 PM

Ask me if I'm being careful, using birth control and protection, etc.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:38 PM

Hahaha -- I like the compete sort of.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:38 PM

Yes, exactly
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:38 PM

How do you address issues of incompatible libido between partners and does it happen often?
LT

Leah Torres · 6:39 PM

It's difficult. It requires a few visits and homework for the couple
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:39 PM

<gasp> work!
LT

Leah Torres · 6:40 PM

Sometimes it's nipped in the bud when my pt says "but it's not a problem, I just wondered if it was normal"
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:40 PM

Interseting. So it's not always that people want more sex, they just think they should?
LT

Leah Torres · 6:41 PM

The first step is not incompatibility tackling, tho
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:41 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Is it really incompatibility or just the fact that people are told "this is how you do it. This is how many times you need to be doing it. If you don't do it this many times, something is wrong with you"”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:41 PM

Lucy -- there really is incompatibility. The only way to avoid it is if everyone wanted the same amount of sex.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:42 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Which is impossible ”

LT

Leah Torres · 6:43 PM

An open dialogue is critical
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:43 PM

Ugh. For people who talk a lot, Americans are really bad at dialog.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:43 PM

No two people will be on the same level all the time, but hopefully most of the time they can
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:44 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“"No sex please,we're British"....”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:45 PM

How can someone approach a "quantity" need with a partner? That can be really touchy with any gender. "Honey, I really need more sex" doesn't tend to work.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:45 PM

It's unnatural to repress sexual desire. Nothing good comes of it
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:45 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“We also don't like talking about sex unless we're making rape jokes, quoting song lyrics, ... it feels like there are barely any resources for a constructive discussion, even though they do exist. We just aren't comfortable enough to find them.”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:47 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Is it the need for the sexual act or the orgasm...or both?”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:47 PM

Both for me
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:48 PM

And not necessarily simultaneous need. I mean, I can handle my own orgasms, but I can't create the intimacy of sex by myself.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:48 PM

★ Spotlighted from Shireen Dada

“What about the pressure on women to have an orgasm? I felt stigma about not having them for years, and only when I found and was comfortable with the right partner did I start to. I still feel the pressure, but I enjoy sex regardless of if I have one”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:48 PM

THANK YOU -- Most partners don't believe the "no, really, I'm good. NO REALLY I'M GOOD."
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:49 PM

(It's looking like we need to do a "How to talk about sex with your partner" chat -- yes??)
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:52 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Can we over do it on the foreplay? Could that be enough for some?”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:52 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Good call”

LT

Leah Torres · 6:53 PM

Sexuality is probably as complex, individual and intricate as personality
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:53 PM

Before I forget, everybody follow @LeahNTorres on twitter where she is excellent.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:54 PM

Thx, @katie_speak!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:54 PM

And check out her blog where you can also ask questions -- both publicly and privately http://leahtorres.com
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:54 PM

Haha, you're welcome!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:54 PM

This is such a broad, important topic.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:54 PM

I really appreciate you digging into it with us today!
LT

Leah Torres · 6:55 PM

I love this stuff!!
LT

Leah Torres · 6:55 PM

It's where I feel most helpful many times
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:55 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Cool. Will definitely do that”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:56 PM

Just talking about this stuff publicly breaks down stigma.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:56 PM

It's less off limits when people see it happening.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:56 PM

Re Lucy's ?
LT

Leah Torres · 6:57 PM

Foreplay, like anything else, should be individualized. Yes, there can be too much. Some skip it all together.
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:58 PM

Everything should be individualized!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:58 PM

Basically, your needs are valid.
LT

Leah Torres · 6:58 PM

Some partners gain their own pleasure from pleasing their partner... It's all about having open communication and exploring
LT

Leah Torres · 6:58 PM

Yes, needs are valid
KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:59 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Yes you are a person not a corporation”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 6:59 PM

Heh, well....
KK

Katie Klabusich · 7:00 PM

Alright, all, we're up against it and I know Dr. Torres has physician healing things to tend to!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 7:00 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“@Leah - that's what I was told too. ”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 7:00 PM

Thank you all SO MUCH for joining us!!
LT

Leah Torres · 7:01 PM

Thank you all!!!
LT

Leah Torres · 7:01 PM

Hope it was helpful!
KK

Katie Klabusich · 7:02 PM

★ Spotlighted from Lucy Dyer

“Thanks for the Tawk. :-)”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 7:02 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Cugino

“Thanks!!”

KK

Katie Klabusich · 7:02 PM

★ Spotlighted from Christine Salek

“Thank you!”